


How To Live Without You

by CrazyForNewtmas



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Alcoholic Thomas, Angst, He wants Newt back, M/M, Newt had enough, Possibly getting back together, Thomas is trying to get help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-07-19 05:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7346986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyForNewtmas/pseuds/CrazyForNewtmas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas has a drinking problem but, after losing the love of his life because of it, he is finally trying to get better, seriously this time. </p><p>Or a story where Thomas wants Newt back in his life and the fight is not easy. It never is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Starting

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kind of nervous with this one actually!

Thomas knew that driving while under the influence of alcohol was a very bad thing to do. Hell, it was deadly but he did not really care. If destined, he'd accept his death if it came and not be even bothered by it. He knew it was because of his drinking that drove Newt to the edge. He knew it was because of his erratic behavior that made Newt to give up on them. Their relationship. Their relationship of 6 years, thrown away because of Thomas' inability to stay away from alcohol and get better. 

Thomas regretted everything he's done and he knew he'd taken Newt for granted for too long but, the thing was, he didn't care. Well, the drunken Thomas didn't  care. The sober one would beat him and would just kill him because Newt was everything to him. Newt was the only person that stuck by his side and loved him no matter what. Newt was the love of his life and seeing the blonde walk away from their apartment, with his suitcases in hand without even glancing back, shattered his whole world. 

He tried pleading with the blonde and swore to him that he'll be better, just like the other times he did. The only difference was, Newt was not fooled this time. Thomas always blamed himself for the miserable life he'd given Newt. They were happy once, that fairytale kind of happy but, somewhere down the road, they hit a bump and got knocked off the right track. It was a good 6 years of relationship but the last months were the worst. He knew he needed to let Newt go so, he never pulled him back as the blonde got in a cab and drove away from his life forever. Thomas just watched, a single tear broke out from his eye as the only person who he truly loved and was so sure who truly loved him back unconditionally finally gave up on him. 

\-----

The last thing he remembered was a blinding light that seemed to throw him off the course of his driving. He definitely remembered screaming and his car tumbling down with him in it. He looked around the room and noticed the washed out white walls and the lingering smell of alcohol, not the one he wanted to drink right now but, the one that smells sanitary. He groaned as a searing pain in his chest burned his insides as he tried to sit up. He then felt a pair of hands on his shoulders holding him down. He felt relief as he expected the hands on him to be Newt's but his heart shattered when he looked up. 

"What's happened to you, Thomas?" 

Teresa. 

\-----

He had been in this hospital for 4 weeks now and he was starting to lose his mind. He hadn't been able to walk anywhere he wanted and he was always being watched over and worst of all, he was having the worst alcohol withdrawals. He tried to bribe the nurses but they would not budge, saying that his sister would not tolerate such behavior. 

Thomas sighed in annoyance. Teresa gave up on him years ago and now, magically, she was finally back and cared for him again? What kind of bullshit was that? Did she suddenly had a Mother Teresa moment and decided to help her fucked up brother? Thomas almost wanted to laugh if it wasn't for the broken ribs in his sides. 

So here he was, staring at the hospital walls, trying his best not to go crazy and not to think of alcohol too much. It's been a month now and he was so sure the doctors are only doing this because Teresa wanted to keep him here. Speaking of the devil, the door suddenly clicked, and the annoying sound of heels filled the room. 

"Good morning, Tom." Teresa had a smile on her face, a genuine one. The one that reminded Thomas of how close they once were. Thick as thieves, as they called it. "The doctors said you are doing good." 

Thomas just scoffed at her little attempts of small talk. He would not even give a damn if she suddenly have a heart attack in front of him. He'd gladly watch her die just like how she just watched him as he picked Newt up from jumping off a building without offering any help. She was a bitch and she did not deserve his attention. She set the bags down and and took the fruits she brought and placed it in a bowl. "I've heard the food here is awful so I thought I'd bring you fruit. I remembered apples to be you favorite." 

She was looking at him with a smile of her face, a facade that everything is okay and that they'll get through this but, the fact is, she left. She left when he needed her the most. When Newt was dying because of him and he needed help, she disappeared. 

Thomas glared at her just like the way he did for the last few weeks and turned his attention to the tv. It was playing Tom and Jerry and it was enough of a distraction from the horrible excuse of a sister beside him. 

"Tommy." The silence between them was broken by her voice, she had his hand on his arm, the second time he touched him since the first day he came to this hellhole but the touch did not burn him just like the first time. It was what came out of her mouth that made his heart burst in anger and his whole face to burn red. 

"Do not fucking call me that!" He screamed with all his might. The first words he said to his sister when they ended up here and all of it were words of hate. That nickname was only intended for Newt's use and he'd die first before he'll let anyone call him that again. "You're not him." He whispered, as he turned back to the television. Trying to hold back tears that were starting to spill. 

Teresa immediately pulled back her hand and clutched her chest. In his peripheral vision, he can see that she was sobbing but he really did not care that he had hurt her. She deserved it either way. 

When Thomas fell in love with Newt, it was not at all planned. Thomas was in his 3rd year of college when he met Newt, who was in his last year. They became friends and clicked immediately. One drunken night, they fooled around and ended up sleeping together. That did not really sit well with his then girlfriend, Brenda, and proceeded to tell Thomas' family after he told her to apologize. 

His family did not take the news well too and when they ordered Thomas to not see Newt again, he can't seem to do it. He suddenly fell in love with him so he decided to stay with him and because of that, all connection he had with his family was cut off. Teresa was the only one who tried to contact him. She made an effort to know how he was doing and she helped him in getting him money and a job after college. It was difficult but at least he still had his sister. 

Everything was fine with Newt and they moved in together once they were able to earn enough money. They were happy and they loved each other without any hesitation. Newt was the only one that gave him happiness and satisfaction. He lived to see Newt's smiling face and everything about the brit was so perfect. He was so happy and contented with Newt and he knew they would be fine. That was until his job took a toll on him and the constant harassment he received from his parents. He started drinking and came home late and drunk off his ass. Newt tolerated it at first but started to get fed up. It got so bad that he threatened Thomas to stop or else he would leave him or kill himself. And being Thomas, he ignored the blonde and kept drinking. 

He called Teresa that night to help him get home because Newt was not picking up. When they got off Teresa’s car in front of his and Newt’s apartment, they saw Newt laying on the pavement, covered in his own blood. Thomas ran to him and told Teresa to call 911. The lifeless body of Newt on the ground forced his body to sober up and alerted him. He looked up and saw Teresa just standing there, watching like they were just a display in a museum. He screamed at her to do something, anything, but she just kneeled in front of him, carefully because she did not want to ruin her dress with her brother's boyfriend's blood, and told him: 

_"It's better this way, Thomas. Mom and dad will take you back."_

And with that, she ran away. Not even bothered to look back when Thomas screamed for her to help. After that, Thomas swore to himself that he'll be better and he'll never let this happen again to Newt because this was too painful but, obviously, that promise did not last long because he kept drinking after Newt got better. 

"I'm so sorry this happened, Tom." He was taken from his sad reverie when Teresa's whisper reached his ear. 

Thomas stared at her in annoyance. He should feel something, anything, in seeing his sister cry but she was a fucking bitch and all Thomas can feel was hatred. 

"No, you don't." Thomas said, "You're here because I'm a charity case and you wanted to make yourself feel better." He spat out angrily. Teresa looked at him and shook her head, trying to explain herself when he cut her off. "You're here because Newt's finally gone and you thought this was your chance to get me to go back to that sad excuse you call a family." 

"Thomas, please don't say that." Teresa pleaded, "I'm here because I care about you." 

"Well, I don't need you. I need Newt." Thomas said, "And the feeling's not mutual, sis. I haven't cared about you for a long time." 

Thomas turned back to the television and tried to drown out the annoying sniffles from Teresa. She sat on the couch beside his bed and cried like the fucking cry baby she is. If she wanted sympathy, she is certainly barking up the wrong tree because right now all he really wanted was for that car to have managed to kill him instantly. 

\-----

Today was the day Thomas was finally released from the hospital (he was suppose to be released weeks ago but Teresa insisted that staying would be good for a much better healing). Thomas was starting to think of moving in because of the time he was being kept there but today was a good day. Teresa was still there, trying to help him being discharged. They've talked, albiet a little more civilized but not just like old times. He thought that since she was gonna pay for all the bills, he had to thank her somehow. Teresa helped him get into the car and in no time, they were off to Thomas' apartment.

Thomas was kind of scared to go back. The memories of his life would be overwhelming and his heart still hadn't moved on from Newt. The apartment would be a reminder of how good their life together was until Thomas took a wrong turn. 

He missed Newt greatly. He missed everything about him. The way he talks, the way he took care of him, the way they would cuddle in the couch on a lazy afternoon. He wanted it all back but he knows that Newt would not want that. He was fed up with Thomas' bullshit and he was too smart to be tangled up with Thomas' mess again even though they loved each other. 

"He called." Teresa whispered, not taking her eyes off the road, "He asked about you." 

Thomas kept quiet. The information of Newt still caring for him even just a little was a bit overwhelming. They've been broken up for two months now and the information made his heart color with joy. "What did he say?" 

"Just asked how you were." Teresa provided, still seemingly not interested in this kind of relationship. Thomas still hated her for everything but right now, she was the only person who was helping him and he was not gonna push that away. "I told him you were doing better and that you were finally sober for almost two months now." 

Thomas nodded in understanding. He wasn't really sure if he was finally sober for real this time. The hospital did a good job of not letting him take any but now that he was out, he was afraid he was just gonna slip back into old habits. He did not crave the alcohol that much anymore but, knowing the outside world as the demon out to get him, there's a high chance of him being found in an alley drunk off his ass again. 

The ride back home was silent, just like how everyday was for Thomas and Teresa. It was tolerable but certainly not good. When they stopped in front of his building, Thomas felt the dread. The memories of it all was starting to whisper to him. 

"Come on, Tom." Teresa's voice managed to pull him out and he effectively got out the car. 

His flat was dark and cold. Things were unorganized and everything was covered in dust. It was depressing to say the least. Thomas felt empty inside as he strode back in, not really feeling his home anymore. This was a different room. Just a part of the building. 

"I'll unpack your stuff." Teresa said from behind him, "You sit there." 

Thomas only nodded in response and strode warily in his flat. The nooks there were still familiar but felt aloft. It was his but suddenly it felt distant. It was so weird being back here. He turned to the cabinet he knew too well. He opened it and saw the secret stash of alcohol he left in there. His mouth suddenly watered and he grabbed a bottle. He knew this was a step back into the dark territory but what did he really had to lose? Newt left him already and he was Thomas' only reason for going on and he needed to somehow drown everything out again. The pain, the aches and the heartbreak. He opened the bottle and continued walking. When he finally got in the kitchen, his heart shattered in a million pieces as the image of him and Newt happily eating and making breakfast flashed before him. How the room would always be filled with the sounds of laughter, giggles and kisses. And how everything around him was so bright and colorful and how their eyes were filled with so much love and adoration. His heart ached for Newt. 

Thomas' breathing hitched and all of the sudden the bottle in his hand slipped out and fell on the floor, causing a loud crash. He knew what he had to do. 

"What happened?!" Teresa's voice was muffled through his thoughts but a shake draw him back to reality. "Thomas!" 

"I need him back." Thomas started shuffling in the room, reaching for the alcohols in the cabinet, opening them and pouring them out in the sink. "I want him back." 

He threw the empty bottles and went to grab his jacket. "Where are you going?" Teresa yelled from behind him. 

"I'm getting Newt back." Thomas proudly said as he closed the door behind him. 


	2. It's Not That Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been 8 months in his constant attendance in AA meetings and therapy. And he also managed to get a different job that made him earn money. He now works in a restaurant as a waiter, which was far from his degree but still pays the bills. This was just a tempt job. Not a lot of employers from financing really took him seriously after he told them about his on going recovery so he had to find other ways to earn a living. The job took his mind off the things that made his life take a tumble. It kept him grounded and busy. He actually liked his job now.

The process of getting better is never easy and Thomas knew this. He knew that fixing himself was not gonna be a magical one-day treatment. It was a painstakingly long process but he was motivated to do so. Sure, initially he was doing this to get Newt back but he was also doing this, somehow, for himself. He wanted to be better. He still hated himself, that's for sure, but if he can't do it for himself, then he can do it for Newt.

He promised himself to be better for Newt. 

It has been 8 months in his constant attendance in AA meetings and therapy. And he also managed to get a different job that made him earn money. He now works in a restaurant as a waiter, which was far from his degree but still pays the bills. This was just a tempt job. Not a lot of employers from financing really took him seriously after he told them about his on going recovery so he had to find other ways to earn a living. The job took his mind off the things that made his life take a tumble. It kept him grounded and busy. He actually liked his job now. He also met this guy, Minho, he was a peachy fellow, sarcastic but nice. He actually talks to Thomas about everything and he's not like the others that gives him weird looks and judgement in their eyes. He likes Minho. 

Teresa's insistence about therapy was a good idea. Dr. Ava was really helping him deal with everything. She listened to him and helped him get back on his feet again. It was definitely weird at first and he was reluctant to try it but after a few sessions, he felt relieved that he did not back out. She was really helping him in staying away from alcohol and keeping himself from relapsing. 

It was not an easy journey. A week in of, as Teresa would call it, "Thomas' journey to getting his life back" was so draining. He wanted to give up and he nearly tried to drink again. Teresa, thankfully, stopped him every time he tried drinking during his treatment. 

"So, Thomas." Ava calmly said, resting both her hands on the table, smiling at him. "How are you doing? Did you get to do the last assignment I gave you?" 

Thomas nodded at her and took his notebook from his bag, "I've written down my thoughts. It's all in there. Sorry for the bad words." 

Ava chuckled at him and took the notebook, "Don't worry, Thomas. It's all part of the process." 

Thomas grinned at the lady and continued on the session. Ava was a huge help in his recovery. She suggested various ways and methods on how to keep Thomas from picking up the bottle every time he gets the urge to. He does not always succeed but the guilt that follows after a sip always makes him stop. It helps with the self-loathing too. Knowing that he's consciously rejecting the alcohol makes him think that he's somewhat doing better. 

They talk about everything. Absolutely everything that Ava would consider a variable in his self-destructive behavior. They talked about his parents, sister, his job and most specially, Newt. Actually, they only talked about Newt because she observed that he was not a variable in Thomas' problems. He just got caught up in it. Thomas agrees with her. Newt had always been Thomas' beacon of happiness and his source of strength. He loved the blonde so much, even though a huge time had past. 

Ava told him that maybe getting Newt back would have both negative and positive effect. The positive one is that he would be Thomas' anchor, a source of strength but the negative things was he can bring Newt down with him, as evidence of the suicide attempt. Thomas always thought about it. Is he selfish enough to get him back? Thomas was finally recovering but there was no guarantee that he wouldn't slip back into old habits. It was infuriating, actually. It makes him want to drink if he thought about it every night. 

\----

He hadn't seen or heard from Newt since Teresa told him that he called while he was at the hospital but he knew he was still in town. Teresa did him a favor and found out that Newt was still here and working as editor in a publishing company. 

Thomas felt happy for him. That was why he was reluctant in trying to get Newt back. The blonde was doing so good without Thomas and, just like what Ava told him, he felt like he was only gonna be bringing Newt down if he went after him again. And that was why he hesitated when he saw Newt in the grocery. 

\----

He woke up that morning, feeling all kinds of hungry. Little did he know that he forgot to buy grocery. He showered quickly and dressed before going to the store and buying things he can eat. 

It was really self-assuring that, months back, his first instinct when he came to the store was to visit the liquor isle and fill the basket with alcohol, but now he was actually here for food and thought nothing about the alcohol staring at his face. He grinned at the thought that maybe he was doing a good job. Sure there were days where everything was so difficult but it's moments like this that he can truly appreciate his progress. He happily skipped to get some pasta for dinner tonight after his shift at the restaurant when he saw him. 

Newt was meters away from him and he did not know what to do! He and Ava did not even have the chance to discuss this in their therapy session yet so this was kind of overwhelming. His heart was fluttering out of his chest because he was not sure if Newt wanted to see him but being his stupid self, he got closer. 

"Hey." Thomas said, effectively surprising the blonde, dropping the instant noodles he was picking from the shelf. Thomas chuckled nervously and dropped to the ground to pick up the food. "I see you still like the instant goods." 

Thomas gave it back to the still surprised Newt. He had his mouth open and he was openly staring. 

Newt shook as Thomas coughed loudly to get his attention. The blonde looked like a fish out of water and Thomas immediately felt guilty in approaching the blonde. 10 months of nothing was a very long time of trying to move on and then suddenly seeing your past certainly doesn't reassure you of anything so Thomas took a nod and proceeded to bow out. This was for the better. He'll keep working on himself and Newt would live a different life. His heart aches at the ides of not having Newt in his life again but maybe this would be for the better. For the both of them. 

"Wait!" Thomas stopped at the familiar British voice he's love forever. Thomas turned slowly towards the brit and smiled nervously. "Y-You're here." 

Thomas scratched the back of his head. "Y-Yeah. I had nothing on my fridge so I thought why not go to the store." He took the pasta he was gonna pick up before he saw Newt, "Trying to live healthier, I guess. Wait, is pasta healthy?" Thomas pondered for a moment before he looked up at Newt again. This time, Newt was smiling at him. 

"You look-" 

"Different? Odd? Wrong?" Thomas provided, intended to be joking, of course. 

"Good." Newt whispered, trying to hide the blush he was sporting, "You look good, Thomas." 

Thomas smile diminished slightly. Newt never called him by his name. He always called him "Tommy" or "babe" but they were broken up so this should not be a surprise. "Thank you. I'm trying." 

"I've heard." Newt said, finally placing the noodles to his basket. "I should go. I have to meet someone up. 

Thomas nodded enthusiastically and led the way for Newt to walk. Newt chuckled at that and walk ahead. Thomas smiled at himself. That wasn't really as terrible as he hoped to be. It was pleasant actually. He was about to go about his way too when he heard Newt call again. Thomas turned and hummed. "Continue, okay?" 

Thomas nodded in agreement, knowing fully what Newt meant. He would continue. It felt too good to stop his progress. With or without Newt, he'll still continue. He owed it to the version of Newt that tried to kill himself because of Thomas. 

After the grocery, he went back to his apartment and dropped the bags off before going to work. He was assigned to the night shift that say but lunch was a rather busy time in the restaurant and he had nothing else better to do, so why the hell not? He grabbed his keys and took a cab to his workplace. 

Thomas had never been able to drive again. He cab still drive but choses not to. The accident made him afraid of putting his life on his own hands. It was too risky. Even now that he was finally sober, he still cannot so it. 

When he arrived, the costumers were starting to pile up. Thomas smiled at them and proceeded to the lockers where they keep all the things they needed. He met Minho there, wrapping the apron around his waist. 

"Hey!" Thomas called as he opened his locker and started getting dressed too.

"Hey!" Minho said, confusion laced on his face, "I thought you were assigned to the night shift?" 

"I was." Thomas started removing his shirt and put on the waiter costume, "But I had nothing better to do so what's the harm really. And I'm extremely happy today." 

"Oh?" Minho shut his locker and smirked at Thomas, leaning against the wall behind him. "What happened?" 

"I saw Newt." Thomas grinned widely. He talked about Newt with Minho and Thomas was thankful that the bloke was not some homophobe because he really needed someone to talk about Newt other that his shrink or Teresa. "We spoke. Briefly, but we spoke." 

"Aw, man!" Minho yelled loudly, "That's great! How was he?" The guy patted Thomas on the back as he was busy tying up his tie. 

"He was great." Thomas provided, imagining Newt from memory, "He always looks great." 

"Look, man." Minho started, "I'm happy for you and all and I'd like to talk about it more but right now, it's a bloodbath out there and they need our help. Talk about this later, yeah?" 

"Sure." Thomas nodded, knowing full well what's in store for them out there. "Go ahead. I still have to tie up my apron." 

Minho nodded and clasped his back again before running towards the dining area. Thomas was glad to have found some common ground with Minho. At least he had a friend now as opposed to having none at all. All his friends were either from his old job or back in college but they've thrown him out already like garbage so Minho was sent from heaven. 

When he was done with his apron, he exited the locker room too and started o take some orders. Lunch was really difficult to wait because of the pouring people. It was hot outside and the people around the restaurant radiated that heat off making the air conditioner moot. Thomas started to have some fun, talking with bunch of costumers and taking their order when he saw him again. 

Thomas smiled when he saw Newt enter the restaurant. He was about to approach the blonde to get him to a table when someone behind him took his coat and kissed his cheek. Thomas froze in place as his heart shattered again. His hands were numb and his head was spinning. He can't believe this. The guy behind Newt wrapped his arms around the blonde's waist and lead them to a reserved table, Newt smiling at the man. 

Then suddenly, his throat started constricting and his mouth felt dry. He needed to drink. He needed to drown this memory out of his system. He needed to forget that Newt was finally moving on from him. He needed to drink away the thought that Newt did not love him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really still don't know what I feel about this....


	3. Slight Hiccup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas flinched at the question. It meant that Dr. Paige can read him like a book now, well, not like a book. Maybe just parts of his personality and what could set him off. It would be weird but she was just doing her job and she was doing well. 
> 
> "I saw Newt at the grocery 4 days ago." Thomas said, keeping his head down. Ava's words piercing through his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished writing this chapter very fast so I decided to post it immediately! Not so sure about the next chapter though. ;)
> 
> Un-beta'd. :)

"Thomas! Open the door!" 

He heard a violent knock on the door. Thomas groaned in pain. He knew that sleeping on the couch was not gonna help him and he had a terrible headache. God, what a mess. He sat up sleepily and stared at the clock. 6 AM? Who in their right mind would be barging in someone's apartment and make a scene this early? People are still sleeping for god's sake!   


"Thomas! I swear to god if you don't open up I am gonna tear you apart!"   


Teresa. Of course. Thomas sighed in annoyance and proceeded to open the door. When he finally did, Teresa barged in and started sniffing around. Thomas knew what she was doing. She does this whenever he disappears for a few days. "I'm not drinking!"   


"Shut up!" Teresa growled, looking inside the cabinets in the kitchen, "I'll decide that."   


Thomas rolled his eyes and sat back down on the couch. Teresa would just get tired of looking for things that aren't there. He was not drinking and she was being overdramatic. Okay, maybe not. He did disappear for 3 days without prior notice. Ava must have called Teresa when he did not show up for their session with Dr. Paige. To be fair, he was still dealing with a broken heart so maybe that would be a valid excuse.   


The reason Newt broke up with him was because he had a problem so he thought that maybe now that he was finally getting better, they would have a chance to start over but, no. Newt wanted that other guy. That clean cut rich looking dude that had his eyes all over his Newt. Ugh, just the thought of it makes him so angry.   


"Okay," Teresa said, throwing her hands up in the air. "I can't find anything so I'm just gonna ask." Thomas just shrugged and leaned back on the couch. "Were drinking?"   


"No." Thomas answered truthfully.   


"Were you drinking?"   


"Wha- I said no!"   


"Were you drinking?" Teresa asked again, leaning her weight on one leg. It was irritating when she does this. He gets that he was still in recovery and he could relapse at any moment, specially now that he just disappeared for 3 days but at least have some faith in him!   


"No, Teresa." He answered her again, seriousness laced all over his voice and face, "I'm not drinking."   


Teresa only looked at him with a bored expression.   


"Okay, I did think about it." Thomas fessed up, "But I decided against it. I promise."   


Teresa stayed silent, still at her judging stance, eyeing him up and down. "Okay." Teresa whispered, immediately relaxing and sitting on the couch. "So, what was it this time?"    


Thomas just raised his eyebrows at her but Teresa did not budge. Thomas shifted in his seat and placed both of his hands to his face. He can't talk about this yet. It was still too painful.   


"I'll tell you when I'm ready." Thomas whispered in a sigh and slouch back again, keeping the staring game with Teresa.   


"Okay, but tell me one thing," Teresa said, this time her expression turned into a serious caring one, "It's not something bad right? Not drugs no-"  


"What?! No! I've never used drugs before! Even in college!" Thomas said, a huge urge to defend himself. He was never a fan of those things before. His friends back in college used pot but not him. "And no, it's not something bad. It's just... It's complicated, alright? I just need to sort it out."   


Teresa eyed him for a bit and when she was sure he was telling the truth, she sighed deeply and dropped down on the couch. "You scared me, Tom."   


"Yeah," Thomas said, giving her a small smile, "Sorry." His relationship with his sister got better as time progressed. The past 8 months were difficult and Teresa was the only person there to really support him and help him keep going. He owed that to her but he still can never forgive what she did that night. The night where she left him and Newt when Newt was dying in his arms. He shook the image out of his head and held her hand. "Can you ask Dr. Paige if I can get another appointment today?"   


Teresa held his hands too and smiled at him, "Yeah." She whispered, "Of course."   


\-----  


He sat in the same office he was in for the past few months where he was being fixed little by little. He had to admit that Dr. Paige was a big help during his sobriety. She taught him ways on how to control his urges and how to displace it to other things.   


"Hello, Thomas." Thomas jumped from the voice from behind him. He did not even heard the door squeak open. He turned to the lady and saw her with a smile on her face. That's kind of good. It would mean she's not that disappointed at him for not showing up at their last appointment.   


"Hello, Ava." Thomas replied, shifting on his sear and faced the lady as she sat behind her desk. "Sorry for not making the last appointment."   


"That's truly okay, Thomas." Ava chuckled, grabbing her paper and pen, "So, what was it this time?"   


Thomas flinched at the question. It meant that Dr. Paige can read him like a book now, well, not like a book. Maybe just parts of his personality and what could set him off. It would be weird but she was just doing her job and she was doing well.   


"I saw Newt at the grocery 4 days ago." Thomas said, keeping his head down. Ava's words piercing through his mind.   


"Oh, that's interesting." Ava whispered, "How did it go?" Ava said with a smile that said that she was interested. She placed her arms on the table and leaned on it.   


"We talked." Thomas started, fidgeting slightly, "Normally. We talked normally. He said that I looked good and that I should continue." Thomas finished, smiling slightly at the thought of Newt's happy smile.   


"So, why didn't you?" Ava asked, fixing her glasses slightly. Thomas raised his head and frowned at her. What did she mean he didn't? "I meant what happened after meeting him that made you skip the next session and have this one instead?"   


The question made Thomas flinch. Why did he have to be reminded on that? He can't bare the thought of Newt going out with another guy. It was wrong. Well, maybe not wrong but odd. They've always been together and it was odd seeing another guy kiss Newt. It should him. It should be him that gets to kiss Newt. It should be him that gets to make Newt smile.   


"Thomas?"   


"Oh, um." Thomas coughed, trying to clear his throat, "After that, I went to work at the restaurant. I was serving that day and then I saw Newt again. With a date." Thomas tried so hard not to punch the table. Just the thought of it makes him feel so much emotion at once.   


"Oh, we didn't even had the chance to role play such scenario yet." Ava said, a little bit surprised, "Do you remember what we talked about though?" Ava asked, grabbing her notes and pen again.   


"That getting Newt back might have a positive or negative effect, yes." Thomas answered, remembering that day perfectly. It was the very first day they opened the topic on Newt.   


"Right." Ava started, "So based on your behavior after that incident, do you think it would reoccur again if the same situation happens?" Ava asked, this time looking at him like there was a right answer for the question which ,of course, there was. Thomas can go either yes or no with different consequences. He sighed and just decided to answer truthfully.   


"I don't know." Thomas whispered, "I was just very upset to see him with another man that I did not think the actions through but, maybe, the next time I'll see him with another date, I'll handle it a little bit better." Thomas ended and it made Dr. Paige smile slightly as she wrote down on her notes.  

He really wanted to handle it better next time but, the truth was, he doesn't want it to have a next time. Seeing Newt being happy with a different lover crushed his heart and it made his judgement cloud.   


"Did you drink or had the urge to after it?" Ava asked with a raised eyebrow. Thomas smiled proudly at her because he didn't and he knows she will be delighted by that news.   


"Yes, I did had the urge to drink but I stopped myself." Thomas said, sitting straighter, "I just thought that if I did it, all my efforts of stopping would be for nothing."  


Ava smiled at him, "Very good."   


Thomas felt a little more lighter after that.   


\-----  


Strolling in the park wasn't very exciting but he needed to go out. He did not want to lay around in his apartment and he did not have any work for the rest of the day since he was assigned for the evening shift at the restaurant the next day so here he was, walking through an almost empty park.   


He tried to ignore all the lover's that were scattered around. Thomas did not loathe them and he wasn't bitter or anything, it just really reminded him of how he had those exact smiles and small laughs with Newt. How they'd always joke around and how Newt always liked to hold hands.   


Thomas stupidly smiled at the memory of it. Newt was a sucker for holding hands. The blonde said that it was weird because usually he never liked touching other people but with Thomas, _Tommy_ , it was like needing air. Newt's hands would alway be intertwined with his when they are together and Thomas liked it so much. His fingers tingled at the memory and his hand suddenly felt cold. He was alone and it was his fault.   


He shook that thought away. He had to let it go. He had to accept that he made a mistake but he wasn't gonna blame himself for much too long. It would only feed his self-loathing and that wasn't beneficial to his recovery. He needed to do this. For himself. For Newt.   


Thomas had already circled the park twice so he decided that after a third one, he'll go home. He stopped to stretch for a while and sighed when some of his bones cracked. He breathed in deeply and started walking again.   


\-----  


He was exhausted and he needed a shower. Thomas never realized that rounding the park for a third time would be such a bad idea. His feet were killing him and his muscles were sore from the walk. Maybe he was so very out of shape that his body was finally punishing him for not exercising for a long time.   


He tossed his keys to the bowl next to the door and made his way to the bathroom. He was feeling stinky and sweaty, not a good combination. He took his shirt off and was about to take his trousers off too when he heard a knock from the front door. It's really these kinds of time that he cursed himself for not picking an apartment that had a buzzer from the building's door.   


Guessing it was Teresa checking up on him, he did not bother to put on a shirt and started murmuring stuff. He trudged towards the front door and opened it to scream at his sister, only getting a few syllables out when he realized who it was that knocked on his front door.   


"Hello."   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of getting into it now. \o/


	4. What To Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of all the things he missed about Newt, he missed Newt's smile most of all and not only after the break up. Thomas realized that Newt hadn't smiled genuinely while they were still together during the last few months. Newt was always frowning or sad, never angry, and it broke Thomas' heart to remember it all and, to make matters worse, he knew he was the main cause of it. He took Newt's happiness away and it made Thomas incredibly guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un'betad!

Of all the people Thomas had to expected to knock on his door, a smiling blonde was not one of them. Well, he used to but, not not anymore. He was even so sure Newt would never want to see this place again. This place that had so much painful memories. 

"N-Newt." Thomas stuttered, his hold on the door getting tighter, "What are you doing here?" 

Newt seemed to be nervous too. Not that that would come to a surprise. They really hadn't been alone like this in a very long time and then all of the sudden here they were again. Awkward and tense around each other because they were alone. And Thomas was shirtless. He noticed how Newt's eyes were darting back and forth from his chest to his eyes. 

"I, um, I actually don't know." Newt said in a little laugh, "I was just walking to think and then I found myself walking towards here." Newt smiled shyly at him. 

Of all the things he missed about Newt, he missed Newt's smile most of all and not only after the break up. Thomas realized that Newt hadn't smiled genuinely while they were still together during the last few months. Newt was always frowning or sad, never angry, and it broke Thomas' heart to remember it all and, to make matters worse, he knew he was the main cause of it. He took Newt's happiness away and it made Thomas incredibly guilty. 

Now... Now Newt's cheeks were finally full of color once again and the same sparkle in his eyes that made Thomas fall for him was back again. Newt wore different clothes and it all fit him better although he can't help but notice that the shirt the blond was wearing was a bit too big of him and he can't shake the thought that maybe it belonged to _that_ guy. 

"Oh," he finally said, noticing the Newt's raised eyebrows. He fidgeted slightly, not really knowing what to do or where this is going. He never really had an ex that visited him at his home before so it was kind of an unexplored territory for him. Is he suppose to let him in? Offer him something to drink? Kiss him spontaneously- nope, that's just stupid since the bloke is seeing _that_ guy. 

"Anyway, I just came to say hi and see you." Newt concluded, scratching the back of his head, "I guess I'll, um, go now." Newt said, offering Thomas a smile. Thomas, on the other hand, was still very shocked to his core that he just kept staring. Newt must've noticed so he just backed away and started walking with a look of disappointment. Thomas was gonna shut the door and wallow in his surprised state until he came to his senses again. 

What was he doing? Here was Newt, showing up out of nowhere and wanting to see Thomas all of the sudden. He was just 'walking' and 'he found himself walking towards here.' WHAT THE SHUCK WAS HE DOING?! 

He wasn't suppose to let his hopes up but he suddenly got excited. He quickly grabbed a shirt and  threw his door open to catch up to the blonde. He got to the stairs but Newt wasn't there. He zipped pass through the stairs and through the building door and looked at the streets. He looked from the left and the right and saw no signs of the blonde. When he got a little calmer, he noticed that his heart was beating so fast and he had trouble breathing. Yep, his body was definitely punishing him for slacking around.  

"Must be something important if you're that breathless." He heard behind him. He turned and saw the blond getting out of the building with an amused smile. 

"You-" Thomas tried to speak but ended up coughing and wheezing loudly. Anchoring himself on his knees. Newt chuckled at it and patted Thomas' back. 

"Uh..." Newt said, "Would you like a cup of coffee?" Newt urged and gave him a shy smile. Who needed that shower anyway. 

"Yeah." Thomas replied, still a little breathless.

Newt waited for Thomas to get himself together and started towards a small coffeeshop across the street. It was the same coffeeshop that Thomas would always run to in the morning to fetch Newt his favorite coffee whenever they would walk up late and don't have the time to make one. They entered it and it was already full of people. Thomas pointed at the free seat by the window and Newt told him that he'd order for them while Thomas sat on the seats. 

He tried looking at the window where a busy traffic of people were walking past him but he can't help but eye a certain blonde in front of the counter, ordering their drinks. Thomas tried to think pf what all these means. Maybe this was Newt's way of closure? To end all ties between him and Thomas? To tell him that they were never getting back together? What? What was it? 

They had been silent during the walk towards this coffeeshop and it was killing Thomas. Usually this kind of silence was always comfortable with Newt. It was always easy and happy, not this awkward and uncomfortable. Thomas fidgeted slightly in his seat, determined to get Newt back to their table so they can finally talk. He craved for Newt's voice. He hadn't heard it in so long (he heard it at least 3 days ago but you know what he means). 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Thomas jerked slightly when a voice pierced through his thoughts. He turned and saw Newt smiling at him, handing him his coffee. Thomas smiled back and took the offered beverage. Newt walked around the table and sat at the opposite end of the table. 

"Oh, nothing." Thomas said with a nervous laugh, "I was just thinking." Newt nodded and carefully sipped his cup of coffee. 

"So, uh, how is it going?" Newt asked, blushing slightly, "The recovery, I mean. I heard you were doing well." 

"Yeah." Thomas said, smiling at his ex, "It's going great. I'm getting better, hopefully." And it was the truth. Thomas always thought that maybe he'll have to work even harder than the other people who suffer the same problem as he did but when he finally got help, he realized that there were still bigger problems than his. 

Thomas realized that this wasn't something that should control him, feeding his self-loath. His alcohol dependency was difficult to deal with, but not saying impossible. Thomas worked hard for his recovery and he wasn't just going to throw that away in one day. He needed to work hard. The urge only really comes back when something really stressful happens, i.e. The Newt Incident. 

"That's great, Thomas." Newt smiled, a genuine one, a smile that said he was happy for him, "I can feel and see you getting better. You look great." 

They smiled at each other and, for the first time that day, the silence between was comfortable. Like they were living old times, the happy old times. Newt was happy and that was what Thomas wanted.Suddenly, Newt's phone started to ring and the blonde grabbed it from his pocket. 

"It's work." Newt whispered, "I gotta run, Tommy. See you soon? I'd like to see you again. I'm so sorry for running out like this. My boss can be a bit of an ass." Newt started grabbing his things and gave Thomas a pat on the back, an apologetic look on his face. Thomas watched as Newt raced through the front door and disappeared into the alley. Thomas continued to stare into nothingness, a single thought inside his head. 

"He called me Tommy." He whispered to himself. 

Thomas lingered at the thought for a few minutes until he was disturbed by a loud laugh from behind him. He shook from his daydreaming and got up. 

He walked towards his apartment, still lingering at the fact that Newt had visited him. Newt took him for coffee. Newt asked how he was. Newt wanted to see him again. God, what all of this mean? This was so confusing. One moment, Newt was dating another guy and then the next, he was saying Thomas looked great. His head was throbbing from his own thoughts and he groaned in annoyance, he did not even realize he was already at the front door of his apartment. He opened it, wanting a glass of water, trying to calm down for a little. 

"You look dazed." Thomas jumped from the voice that echoed through his apartment. He'd almost thought he was gonna die from a heart attack but suddenly saw Teresa walk out from his room. 

"What the hell are you doing here?! Are you trying to kill me?!" Thomas yelled, earning a small chuckle for the brunette. Maybe letting Teresa in his life again was a mistake. He should really throw her out. 

"Was bored. Work got done early. I knocked but you weren't home." Teresa said, circling the couch and nudging Thomas' arm. 

"So you thought breaking in was a better idea?!" Thomas pushed her away, annoyed, as he closed the door and locked it. 

"You left the door unlocked, dumbo." Teresa amusingly said, "You must be pretty distracted to disregard your safety. I could, as easily, be a psychopath right now." She said, dropping herself on the couch. 

"You are a psychopath, you psychopathic wench." Thomas countered, rolling his eyes at her. Seriously, maybe he should consider chaining her at her own apartment and leaving her there to rot. It wouldn't be hard. 

"So?" He heard Teresa speak again. 

"So, what?" 

"Why was your door unlocked?" Teresa asked, this time a hint of exasperation in her voice. 

Thomas stopped dead in his tracks. He can't tell Teresa about Newt yet. That would just open up a can of new problems and he did not want to deal with it yet. Teresa and Newt did not share a good relationship after Teresa left them. Newt had resented her after that and vowed to never speak to her again. Teresa even said that when Newt asked about him during his hospitalization over the phone, she can feel the knife Newt was using through his voice to stab her over and over again. 

Teresa always felt guilty about her actions that night. She said that she would turn back time of she could to change it. She apologized so many times Thomas almost always cringed automatically when Newt was brought up in one of their conversations knowing that she'll apologize again. He does not know if she already forgave Teresa about it but he was sure he had already accepted it, so that was that. 

"Nothing." Thomas whispered, continuing his walk towards the kitchen. "Must've been daydreaming. No big deal." 

He only heard Teresa hum in the background and Thomas sighed in relief. He dodged a bullet. A cringe-worthy bullet. Thomas grabbed a glass and filled it with water and drank it. His mind wandered back to Newt. 

 _Tommy_...

That nickname was always used for affection and love from Newt. The blonde liked calling Thomas that because it felt like he was stalking claim to his property. Like some private nickname that's only available for Newt's use. He always liked, loved, it when it came from Newt. It was always laced with affection, love, care and adoration. Thomas almost always purr and coo from the nickname. It told him that he was Newt's and he was perfectly okay with it. He was Newt's. He will always be Newt's. 

But what did it mean when Newt used it earlier? Did Newt still want him? Did Newt still had feeling for him? If so, why was he dating other guys? Maybe he's just overthinking again. Maybe Newt just had a slip of the tongue. Maybe Newt was just occupied that he stupidly used it unconsciously. They've been together for a very long time that it would be understandable. Thomas shook his head and groaned, pinching the bridge if his nose. 

"Hey, wanna order pizza?" Teresa asked from the living room, turning on the television. 

"Sure." Thomas replied back, "I need a break anyways." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the people reading this early on! You guys are awesome! :))


	5. AA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were a lot of desperate people in this room. Desperate to go to the path and stay in sobriety. Everyone struggled with their inner demons and it was difficult. Some of them comes once a week, like Thomas himself, but there are some who comes everyday, the people who suffers greatly in controlling themselves. They were desperate to keep getting better because these meeting actually helps them realize that they are not their problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I have no experience in attending any AA Meetings whatsoever so the experience I had portrayed in here was based on my readings from various articles from the internet. If ever I have misinterpreted anything, I am apologizing in advance.

"Thank you for that, George." The lecturer, Jorge, said calmly. 

Thomas was seated right at the left side of the circle they always created. It was said that they formed this circle because , this way, it is much easier to look at everybody. This creates a good sense of listening. 

Every meeting when going in, Thomas always felt like he was in some kind of an interrogation, he always felt like people were gonna judge him because of his addiction and it didn't feel very helpful. Of course, it's always been the opposite. This meetings were designed to help the alcoholic and it was not meant for attack. 

He, at first, felt like he was being watched over. Like he was being kept from himself and from others. He noticed the lonely faces of everyone and it made him even more sad. It was ironic because this was suppose to be a place where everybody can feel safe and, here everybody was, not eager to talk to each other. 

Of course, it got easier as the months progressed. He shared little by little and, although it took him a long time, felt comfortable with everyone. Each had everyone of them had different troubles. Some were just starting and others were very deep into it. It was were Thomas learned that hearing experiences and living the experiences have different intensities. 

They were a lot of desperate people in this room. Desperate to go to the path and stay in sobriety. Everyone struggled with their inner demons and it was difficult. Some of them comes once a week, like Thomas himself, but there are some who comes everyday, the people who suffers greatly in controlling themselves. They were desperate to keep getting better because these meeting actually helps them realize that they are not their problem. That they shouldn't be known based by their suffering. That there is still hope and that they are finally seeing that their life is worthy of this second chance. Every face has a story and every story is worth listening to. You learn from them. Listening to how certain decision can lead to a path of difficulties and learning from them. It was depressing to hear yet uplifting to let go. It may seem confusing but it's how Thomas feels. Every day they come here with a heavy heart and come out with renewed faith. It was amazing. 

"Thomas?" Jorge called, pulling Thomas out of his thoughts, "Would you like to say something?" 

"Um," Thomas coughed, clearing his thought, "I have not hd a drink this week, thankfully. I almost did because of some problems and stress but I stopped myself." 

"That's great news, Thomas!" Jorge praised, earning an agreeing hum from the others. That's what Thomas had grown to love in this group. Everybody supported each other. If a person was doing well than others, it was not met with jealousy, instead, it was met with congratulatory remarks and huge smiles. Everyone was rooting for everyone. "It's been how long now?" 

"I've been sober for 6 months now." Thomas said with an empathic smile. Pride wasn't appreciated here. You are still allowed to have pride in your own recovery but, still, with the consideration of the others and, somehow, Thomas agreed with this rule. Why be an asshole when this was meant for helping each other? 

Staying sober isn't actually easy for the first few months. Sure, he was sober when he was in the hospital but when he got out, it became harder. Thomas even made the mistake of giving in to his urges and drank a whole bottle of beer. Thank god Minho was there to stop him before it escalated into anything. 

"We are proud of you, Thomas." Jorge said with a smile. Then, applauses echoed the room, people giving him a happy smile and congratulatory remarks. Thomas always felt happy when this happens. It remind him that he's not alone un dealing with this and he wasn't alone in finding some way to heal himself. He was with these wonderful individuals and he felt so happy. 

"Congrats, man." He heard from behind him and a pat on a back was given. He turned and saw Alby grinning at him. 

Alby was Minho's friend. Minho asked Thomas to bring Alby to his AA meetings because Alby, too, suffered an addiction. Alby liked to attend raves and parties and he'd always get drunk every night. Sometimes even on the day. Thomas can't remember exactly but Alby was somehow at this party and got stung by something, drugs maybe, and he was found barely alive on the streets. That was Alby's first time since college to use drugs so a drug addiction therapy wasn't really necessary but needed, nonetheless. 

"Thank you, Alby." Thomas replied, returning the huge grin. 

The session went on for another thirty minutes before they were dismissed. Everybody had a small smile on their faces, thankful for another day of at least getting their self-confidence back. Thomas always liked those looks. Hope is never really truly disappears, it's just lost, waiting to be found again. 

Thomas walked out of the room with a smile on his face too, ready to take on the day. He was pardoned from work on his noon shift (thank god for an understanding boss) and was assigned at the dinner shift. He decided to walk, feeling his legs numb from all the sitting. 

Thomas was about to turn to the corner when he felt his phone vibrate. He grabbed it, expecting Teresa to be checking up on him again and he was right. She just texted him asking how it went. He quickly replied to it, not really bothering to look at his spelling and sending it right away. It was great to have support but sometimes it gets suffocating but he really did understand where Teresa was coming from. She was just looking out for him and he was thankful for that. 

"Thomas!" He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard his name being called. He turned an saw Alby running towards him, a little bit breathless. 

"Hey," Thomas said, facing the guy, "What's up, man?" Thomas asked. Alby was still catching his breath so he patted the man on the back and  chuckled. He waited until Alby straightened out and breathed deeply. 

"Are you working today?" Alby asked, reaching for something in his pocket. 

"Yeah." Thomas answered, following Alby's movements with his eyes, "I'm assigned at the dinner shift. Why?" 

Alby took his phone out and started tapping on the screen. "Could you maybe get my friend a reservation at dinner?" Alby asked with a sheepish expression. "My friend, Ben, is dating this guy and his date really liked the food in the restaurant you work at three weeks ago but when he tried to reserve seats for tonight, there was nothing available." Alby explained with an unsure expression.

Thomas had never done that before and surely he did not even have the balls to do that. He tired to think of other ways. Maybe he'll try to ask Minho? That guy was like a con-artist anyway. He could flirt with the receptionist and bribe them with something or whatever. 

"I'll ask Minho." Thomas said with a smile, "He'll be better at flirting with the receptionist than me." 

"Great! Yeah, he'll be unstoppable." Alby chuckled, a delighted expression on his face, "I'll send you Ben's number. Thank you, Thomas!" Alby said, hugging Thomas for a little while and walking off. The guy was odd for sure but Thomas had a smile on his face nonetheless. 

He turned back around and went on his way. He was gonna drop by the restaurant for a short while to tell Minho about Alby's favor.  and then go home and take a warm bath.

Once he got to the restaurant, he noticed that Minho was not anywhere to be seen, that would only mean that the bloke must be on break. Thomas slipped through the dinning area and into the locker room. There, he saw Minho already in his normal clothes. It was still too early for Minho's off. 

"Hey." Thomas called, making the man jump in surprise.

"Shit, Thomas." Minho said, clutching his chest, "Don't sneak up on people like that!" 

Thomas chuckled and then sat on the bench, "Late again?" 

"Yeah." Minho whispered, "I slipped pass through the others." He said smugly, grabbing his uniform and taking off his shirt. 

Thomas tried not to look, of course, but it was difficult not to. Minho's shirtless form was a sight to see. Those chiseled chest and those 6-pack was difficult to ignore and Thomas would be lying if he said that Minho wasn't attractive. 

"Like what you see, Tomboy?" Minho said, a shit-eating grin on his face, "I already offered you a night with this but you refused. Not my fault." Minho said, strutting his way towards Thomas. 

Thomas shook his head and grinned at the man, "Shank." Thomas scooted so that Minho would have a place to sit so that the bloke could tie his shoes. 

"So, all kidding aside, what made you come here?" Minho asked, bending and looping his shoelaces together. 

"Oh," Thomas said, coughing to clear his throat, "Alby has a favor to ask you." 

"Shoot." 

So Thomas narrated the whole story again and Minho only hummed through. Minho said that he'll try to flirt with the receptionist and get Alby's roommate the reservation. Minho said that if he could help another fellow get laid then he would do it. Thomas only really rolled his eyes before saying goodbye and smacking Minho over the head. 

\-----

When he got to his apartment, Thomas quickly shed his clothes and got into the shower. The warm water was caressing his skin nicely and the stress of the day was being washed away. Thomas thought of his day. How everyone in the AA meeting was all great people that are just suffering problems. How Alby ran towards him and asking him a favor. How watching Minho getting dressed and then laughing about it. 

Minho looked really nice. The bloke was a runner. Minho always wakes up early for an early morning jog. Thomas tried to go with him everyday but the bloke was relentless. Minho was fast and Thomas barely catches up. Minho also visits the gym frequently, judging from his bulging biceps and chest. Minho looked extremely good. No wonder he almost get laid every night. 

Minho's chest was chiseled to perfection and those abs were to die for. It wasn't fair really because a person should not be that handsome and yet have an almost perfect body. The man actually really offered him sex one night when Thomas was moping about Newt. Thomas said no, of course, but Thomas would be lying if seeing Minho shirtless was not doing something to his body. Minho was handsome, buff, and a little cocky and it sometimes turns him on but, sleeping with the bloke would just not be right. Not when he still had lingering feelings for - 

"F-Fuck." Thomas cursed, his body spasming out of control, almost falling on the wet floor. He looked down and saw that his hand was a mess. He sighed when he finally calmed down and washed the gunk off of him. "Fuck." 

Thomas turned the water off and got out of the shower. When he finished drying his hair, he heard a knock on his front door. Not bothering to put on any real clothes, he opened the door. 

"Minho?" Thomas said, looking straight at Minho's smug look. 

"The reservation is done." Minho said, dancing towards Thomas' apartment and heading straight for the kitchen. 

"That was fast. Your shift over?" Thomas replied, closing his door, feeling a little guilty that Minho was here now when he just finished himself off thinking about the bloke. 

"A little make out session always make the ladies bend over my will." Minho said, fishing for something in Thomas' fridge. "And yeah, well, there wasn't really a lot of people so I just snuck out." 

Thomas huffed and left Minho to his devices before heading to his room. Minho came over quite frequently so he was fine with leaving him for just a couple of minutes.

When he returned to the living room, he saw the man sitting on the couch with a cup of yoghurt. Thomas sat beside him and Minho tossed him another cup and a spoon. Thomas was just gonna scoop a spoon for himself when Minho spoke again. 

"Dude, your bathroom reeks of cum." Minho said, a slight smile on the side of his face. Thomas turned to him, a horrified expression etched on his face. Minho used the bathroom? Shit! "Were you thinking of me while getting yourself off? Because I would be highly disappointed if you didn't." Minho finished, a teasing smirk on his face. 

 

What. The. Hell. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more Thominho anyone? ;)


	6. Dilemma

Thomas stared at Minho like he just grew another head and it caused Minho to laugh so loud, the neighbors might have heard it. 

"You should see your face!" Minho said through fits of laughter. "I'm just messing with you, man!" 

Thomas stared at him for a little longer and when he was so sure that Minho was just kidding, he sighed in relief. "Asshole." 

Not only would Thomas die of embarrassment if Minho finds out that he was thinking of him when Thomas was masturbating in the bathroom but, he would also be filled with guilt. Minho is his friend and he shouldn't be thinking of Minho that way in the first place. 

Minho understands Thomas. How he's fighting his inner demons to better himself and be okay again and to, possibly, get Newt back. Minho was the friend Thomas always talks to about Newt. The bloke liked hearing his stories and Minho offered great deal of advices. Minho wouldn't take advantage of his weakness. Minho was too kind to do that and, to top it all off, Minho was rooting for Thomas and Newt. 

"I'm sorry," Minho said, still recovering from the giggles, "I just couldn't help myself." He explained, scooting closer to Thomas and and then patting his head. Thomas chuckled and punched him on the arm. 

When they met, Minho was the one who introduced him to the restaurant. The bloke was not even reluctant to show him around despite a different guide was told to show show Thomas around. Minho was funny and Thomas immediately felt comfortable around him. 

For the record, that was the first time it happened. Thomas did not even know what brought on that feeling. Maybe seeing Minho shirtless and then not having any kind of sex for almost 9 months? He did not know. All he knows is that he felt guilty after doing it and he felt like he cheated on Newt (which is kind of odd considering the blonde was dating other men, maybe even sleeping with them too). 

"The reservation is at 9." Minho finally said after calming down, "Already told Alby to tell his roommate. Maybe you could serve them? Only the best for our friends, right?" Minho said, nudging Thomas on the side. He thought about it and agreed with the bloke. Thomas wanted to help this guy too, well, not like how Minho sees it but because he wants, at least, some guy to have some happiness. If Thomas can't have that little part of his happiness now, he can help others get it. 

"Hey," Minho nudged him again, a curious smile on his face, "You still haven't told me about the café incident and how 'he's dating another guy' bullshit." 

Thomas blinked at the man in front of him. He still remembered that? That was like 3 weeks ago. He was about to wave it off when Minho shifted on his seat so that he was facing Thomas completely, an eager expression on his face. "Go on. Tell uncle Minho."

Thomas chuckled at that. Minho always called himself that when Thomas starts or want to talk about Newt. The bloke said it makes him feel wise and knowledgable. 

"Oh, nothing really." Thomas said, waving it a little despite knowing Minho won't take it without a fight. 

"If it didn't disappoint you so much," Minho started, a bored expression on his face, "then you wouldn't have disappeared for 3 days. Plus, you weren't answering any of my texts and calls." 

Thomas looked down, feeling a lot more guilty. He did kind of severed all kinds of connection after that incident. He just really needed to be alone at that time. He was just hoping they would understand but thinking about it now, no one even had any idea what was going on at that time so how could he expect them to understand. He sighed deeply before facing Minho again. 

"That day, lunch shift, yeah?" Thomas started, looking at a rather interested Minho, "I saw Newt come in the restaurant with another guy. They were all smiles and flirty and it was difficult to watch." 

Thomas remembers it perfectly. He did not even had the chance to run away immediately when some waiter passed him a tray full of food to serve. He had to endure the pain of hiding from the couple and then staring at them some more. Newt looked happy that time. Genuinely happy, although something was still definitely missing from his smile. 

"Are you sure it was a date?" Minho asked, making Thomas jump a little, "Maybe it was a family member?" 

"Family members don't look at each other like they want to devour their companion, Minho." Thomas deadpanned, "They were a couple." 

"Hey, man, maybe Newt was just trying to get your mind off you, ya know." Minho said, giving him an empathic smile, "6 years is difficult to forget. Specially like the love you guys shared." 

Thomas chuckled at that. Minho was a passionate listener, for sure. It was odd to see the bloke this serious when talking to Thomas about subjects that are considered serious. Sure, there were some jokes thrown into the mix but Minho really understands and listens to him, even though Thomas' just mostly rambling at some point. 

The afternoon went by just like a flash, with them just talking about almost everything under the sun. It even snuck up on him that it was finally time for his shift at the restaurant. Thomas changed his clothes and ushered Minho out before going their respective separate ways. 

When Thomas was wrapping his apron across his waist, he heard his phone ring in his locker. It was a text from Ben saying thank you for getting him a reservation. Thomas smiled at the text and replied to it saying it was no big deal. 

The restaurant was full tonight so Thomas wondered how the receptionist made a way to squeeze in Ben and his date. Maybe that make out session Minho promised was enough of a motivation to find any possible way to it.  Thomas tried to keep an eye out for Ben. The man said that he's blonde and he'll be wearing a dark gray shirt. Thomas chuckled at the memory of Ben telling him that the most distinct feature he'll have is he might be the only one with a guy for a date. 

So, Thomas stared at the entrance door while he was serving other costumers. It was quiet for a while and Thomas started to worry that Ben and his date might not make their reservation. Thomas was about to start to serve another costumer when he saw a hint of blonde hair at the entrance. Thomas turned his head and then he saw him. 

Newt was there, looking around the restaurant, as if looking for someone. Thomas froze in place as he saw the same man behind him, kissing his cheek once again. The man behind him was blonde and was wearing a gray shirt and, finally, he was the only guy there that came with another guy as a date. 

Thomas' throat tightened as the absurdity of the situation finally dawned down on him. Thomas was so sure he was gonna blackout at any second. Thos was just too much. Ben was the one dating Newt and Thomas was gonna be the one serving them. What kind of joke was the world playing on him? Does he have a huge "kick me" sign on his back? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter! I kinda wanted "The Interaction" to happen in a separate chapter. I swear the next one will be longer. :)))


	7. The Interaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas looked at the couple again and it seemed like they were having an deep conversation. Thomas decided that maybe serving them for the rest of the night was gonna be a bad idea. The couple looked serious and Ben was not smiling anymore. Maybe a small fight? Did he notice Thomas and Newt's tenseness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the late update!!! College had been kicking my ass lately. T___T  
> Anyways, here you guys go!

Thomas followed them with wary eyes. He was now positioned at the back the room. A waiter had bumped into him, pushing him out of his daze. Ben had his hands on Newt's waist, guiding him through the sea of people that the restaurant boasted. The blonde had a smile on his face but Thomas can't figure out why it looked different. Was it a good different? Well maybe that was subjective. At least Newt was smiling, that was the important part. But, however he tried, he can't help but feel helpless in his position. It's suppose to be him guiding Newt, it should be his hand touching him, it should be him. He should be with Newt. 

"Is that the couple you're gonna serve tonight?" A waitress asked curiously. Thomas nodded and smiled sheepishly then the waitress asked him what he was still doing here when the couple was already seated at the table. 

Thomas groaned in annoyance at the reminder of his job for the night. How would he even approach them? It would be incredibly awkward and Newt would not appreciate it, really. 

Thomas tried to think long and hard, the keyword is tried. He did try but the growing amount of guests and the limited staff from the restaurant, Thomas had to move sooner because, otherwise, he'll told off. 

So, with a very sigh, he manned up and made his way towards their table, the couple's table where one party was Thomas' soulmate, whom Thomas is still incredibly in love with. His feet were heavy like some weight was pushing him down. He glued his eyes on the couple, a smiling couple, and then feeling his head throb against his skull. He can't do this. When he finally arrived at the table, he wasn't acknowledged. Ben and Newt were talking and were seem to be on their own world. 

_Newt looks so happy._

"Good evening." Thomas whispered. It was so low that Thomas hoped the couple did not hear it but, unfortunately, they did. Ben looked up first and smiled at him, a damn friendly smile. 

"Oh! You must be Thomas! Alby's friend!" Ben said, offering his hand up to shake, Thomas took it and shook it twice, "Thank you so much for hooking us up. Newt, here, likes the food so much so I wanted to take him here again." Ben explained and waved his hand towards Newt. Thomas, on the other hand, refused to look at Newt. He did not want to see how Newt would react. Would the blonde be angry? Sad? Surprised? He did not want to know. All he really wants is for this night to be over and just drown in sorrow back at his apartment (he needs some company though because he might so something stupid). 

"It's quite alright." Thomas sheepishly said, "Are you ready to order?" Thomas asked, placing his hands behind his back. 

"What will you be having, Newt?" Ben asked, looking at the menu again. Thomas waited for some words to pass through his ears but there was none. He was really tempted to look but he needs to stop himself. This was painful enough and looking at Newt would just be a whole another level of hell. 

"Newt?" Ben asked again, this time putting the menu down and looking at the blonde. Thomas breathed in deeply because he can feel a pair of eyes boring through his skull. Ben, then, looked at Thomas suspiciously. Thomas stared back at Ben, words leaving his body.  Thomas bit his lip, Ben looking at him expectedly. The silence between them  was getting more and more uncomfortable. 

"Do you need more time?" Thomas finally said, feeling a sweat breaking. Ben shook from his staring and smiled up at him. 

"Yeah." Ben sighed, "I thing we do. Thank you, Thomas." Ben smiled before Thomas turned around. 

Thomas really needed to take a seat. Everything was dawning on him and it's just too much. Seeing Newt with another guy again was doing things to him that weren't really pleasant. Specially now that he knows Ben was Alby's roommate and friend. Thomas needed a break. He retreated back at the back of the room and sat down. He does not know how to act. He can't exactly hate Ben because he seemed to be a genuinely good guy but then, he just can't accept the fact that Newt's taken because he still believes that they are soulmates and that they were meant to be together. 

But the fact still stays, Newt looked happy. Newt was smiling and laughing again and it great to see. Thomas wants Newt to be happy more than anything. It never really just occurred to him that he's not gonna be part of that happiness. Maybe it was time to move on? 

Thomas looked at the couple again and it seemed like they were having an deep conversation. Thomas decided that maybe serving them for the rest of the night was gonna be a bad idea. The couple looked serious and Ben was not smiling anymore. Maybe a small fight? Did he notice Thomas and Newt's tenseness? 

Thomas was about to back away but, unfortunately, the same waitress caught him, her hands full of food, and looked at him curiously. 

"What are you doing?" She said, eyeing him then the couple, "Aren't you going out there?" 

"Um..." Thomas said before getting cutoff again. 

"That couple needs a waiter and, if it wasn't obvious yet, we're stumped." The waitress said condescendingly, "So, get out there and do your job." 

Thomas received a shove from the waitress and she scoffed at him. He rolled his eyes in annoyance, sighing once again as he faced the couple. Newt and Ben were looking at the menu once again. 

Thomas' feet started to walk and he can feel the sweat forming on his forehead. This was so freakin' awkward. Thomas approached the couple with an uneasy smile and when he got close enough, Ben looked at him again. 

"Hey!" Ben said, an easy smile, which was kind of odd. Thomas greeted him back and Ben narrated their order. Thomas took it down and left without much ado. 

Thomas refused to look at Newt. He refused to look at the assumed ashamed look on his face. He did jot even want to see what Newt would _actually_  look like. Thomas would be lying if he said that it was easy to avoid it. Ben looks like he don't have any idea but it cannot be avoided for far too long. It's a bog elephant and considering that Alby and Ben were roommates and friends, they're gonna see each other more often than not. 

Thomas retreated back to the counter and punched the order in. He sighed and took a glance. Newt and Ben were holding hands, Ben smiling and talking animatedly. Newt wasn't listening though, Thomas knew he wasn't. Newt had that look in his eyes that he was looking at you, pretending to be listening but, truthfully, his mind was wandering something else. 

Thomas was about to turn away when Newt turned his head towards him. Thomas froze in his spot and stared back. Newt was looking at him, his gaze scratching at his soul. Like Newt wanted to say something with his eyes. Thomas held that gaze, relishing it. He smiled and tilted his head, telling Newt to listen to his date. Newt's eyes, then, turned sad and nodded, focusing again on his date. 

Was he giving up? Was he letting Newt go? Was he ready for that? 

There were a lot on his mind that he hadn't even realized that Newt left the table and went somewhere. Then, strong arms pulled him from his post and found himself inside the restroom. In front of him was Newt, looking disheveled and unsure. 

"Tommy." Newt whispered, flicking his eyes from Thomas' and his lips, "What am I doing?" Newt asked, his grip on Thomas' collar tight and pulling. Thomas stayed silent for awhile, looking at Newt's eyes for something. Something concrete. Something to hold him together. 

"Trying to find happiness?" Thomas whispered back, taking Newt's hands in his. 

"I-I-" Newt stuttered, his head down, looking at their hands, "I don't know what I'm doing." 

"Are you happy?" Thomas asked, kind of afraid of the answer. 

Newt was silent for a moment. He still has his head down and his breath was shallow and Thomas had to stop himself from hugging the blonde. It was already difficult at this distance, closing it would just be impossible to stop. Thomas bit his lip as he waited for Newt to answer the question. 

"I-I don't know." Newt whispered, looking back up at Thomas, his eyes full of sadness, "I-I still love you." 

Thomas can feel his face heat up and his heart jumping from his chest. Newt still loved him. He still has a chance. Thomas smiled and caressed Newt's cheek, the blonde leaning into it. "I still love you too. Incredibly much." Newt's eyes darted from Thomas' eyes and lips and all Thomas really wants to do is to lean in and kiss him but this wasn't the time. Ben was out there and they were dating. Thomas wasn't an asshole and Ben was too good for it, at least he supposes. 

"I can't do this, Tommy." Newt said, beating Thomas' chest with his free hand. "I-I-"

"Newt." Thomas said, stopping Newt from his statement, "Let's talk about this another time, okay?" 

Newt looked at him in disbelief and Thomas had to hold Newt's cheek again, giving the blonde a small smile. "Ben's out there and, from what I heard, he's a nice guy." 

Newt nodded at his statement and leaning again into his touch. "He is." 

"Yeah? So we have to figure things out, okay?" Thomas said, "I wanna do this right, Newt." 

Newt breathed in deeply before nodding again. Newt smiled at him and took a step back before exiting the restroom. Thomas sighed deeply and his head was spinning from the encounter. So Newt still loved him. What that does that mean for them? Are going to get together? Do nothing about it? There were so many questions on his mind now but Thomas refused to believe that it's over between him and Newt. He believed that they were meant to be together and this was just a bump in the road. Thomas can feel in his heart that Newt is his soulmate, there was no shadow of a doubt in his mind. Newt's his everything and Thomas wants to be together again but tonight, he'll have to serve them again, looking indifferent and friendly at the same time, but this time, he'll know that he's still the one that Newt want. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it's heading somewhere but I don't know where. XD


	8. Obligatory Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Paige was nodding, talking down notes and some scribbles. Thomas fidgeted a little, a bit uncomfortable with remembering three nights ago. Thomas tried to forget that night and what was making it worse, Newt wasn't reaching out. They agreed that they should talk about their situation but Newt still hasn't contacted him and he was much of a coward to actually be the one to contact Newt.

"How did you feel about that?" Asked Dr. Paige, an inquiring look on her face. 

"I felt bad." Thomas whispered, keeping his head down, "It was like my heart was being ripped out of my chest." 

Dr. Paige was nodding, talking down notes and some scribbles. Thomas fidgeted a little, a bit uncomfortable with remembering three nights ago. Thomas tried to forget that night and what was making it worse, Newt wasn't reaching out. They agreed that they should talk about their situation but Newt still hasn't contacted him and he was much of a coward to actually be the one to contact Newt. 

"What made you feel bad?" Ava asked, "Didn't you want to see Newt happy?" 

Thomas didn't really trust his voice so he just nodded. "He looked happy but..." Everything was silent around them. Ava always didn't push whenever Thomas trailed off. She would wait for him to finish or reassure him that it was alright. This time she stayed silent, making Thomas feel a little bit better. "He, um, talked to me?" 

"He talked to you." Ava repeated, nodding her head in the process. "Do you mind telling me what it was?" 

"He told me he still loves me." Thomas said, keeping his head down. He can't show Ava that he was smiling. The mere thought of Newt still loving him was overwhelming and it felt so amazing. 

"And you?" Ava asked, "Do you still love him?" 

"Yeah." Thomas whispered, looking at Ava this time to get his point across. "I still do." 

Ava smiled at him and gave him a nod before writing down on her pad again. "And what about your urges? Are they in control?"

Thomas nodded, "It's doing well. Haven't had any urges yet." 

You would think that after the encounter, Thomas would at least had a hint of urge to drink even just a little. Seeing Newt with another guy was so stressful and he really didn't like how it felt. 

"Do you still feel like you're gonna do it again sometime in the future?" Ava asked, this time her face was serious. Like she was expecting Thomas to be brutally honest with her, which he was. Thomas thought about it. Would he? The future was a vague image at this time and it was difficult to tell really. 

"I don't know." Thomas whispered, a tab bit softer because he did not exactly want Ava to hear him. 

"Suppose you and Newt got back together and you finally got to a point of full remission and then all of the sudden you lost him again... Would you?" Ava asked, voice soft and assuring. Thomas kind of loathed this part of the session where Ava would try and appease him with situations so that he'll see what the repercussions of his actions were. It was difficult to listen to and even more difficult to answer. 

"I-I-" Thomas stuttered because, what can he really do? He can't be sure of what's going to happen! All he can hope for is that his self-control and discipline would be strengthen.

"It's okay, Thomas." Ava said, leaning over to him, "You don't have to answer. Just think about it, okay?" 

Thomas can't do anything but to nod. 

\----

Teresa had called and told him that she'll be visiting. Of course, he'd rather have the day all to himself and just sleep like the dead after the therapy but having some company wasn't so bad either. It would have been greater though if that company was willing to listen to Thomas' brooding (he tried Minho but the shank was  at the gym), so Teresa was the next best thing. 

Thomas finally got the key to his apartment and entered it, toeing his shoes off and throwing his jets on the table. At the comfort of his own home, he suddenly felt completely exhausted, tired and restless. Maybe he needed more sleep and just tell Teresa to go elsewhere. He was gonna grab for his phone to call Teresa and apologize for agreeing and then cancelling on her when the phone rang on it's own. 

"Unknown number?" Thomas whispered, eyeing the unfamiliar number on the screen. Who was calling him? Hesitantly, he pressed the answer button and waited for someone on the other line to speak first. 

" _Tommy?"_

Thomas felt his throat close up at the familiar voice that flooded the line. Was it really him? 

"Newt?" Thomas whispered, absentmindedly fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Newt was calling him? How did he get his number? Newt changed his and Thomas, well, Teresa changed it for him. 

" _Yeah._ " Newt said in a chuckle, " _I got your number from Alby. You know him, right?_ " 

Thomas nodded quickly before realizing that Newt can't see him, " _Yeah. He's a friend, yeah._ " 

Was this their necessary talk? Over the phone? Don't get him wrong, it's fine and all but Thomas really hoped that they would talk in person. It would be much more personal and emotions were laid out. They both needed this.

" _Oh, that's great._ " Newt said, " _Well, uh, I called to tell you that I ended things with Ben._ " 

Thomas suddenly fell silent and froze on his spot. Newt ended it with Ben? Thomas cab help but to feel happy yet sad at the same time. He could see that Ben really did care for Newt. Ben looked like he really did like the blonde a lot and with Newt suddenly ended it, Ben must feel so shitty right now but, on the other hand, that would mean that Thomas would have a chance again. A chance to be with Newt. A chance to be with his love.

" _Tommy? You still there?_ " Newt's voice sounded through the phone and Thomas was startled for a little bit, dragging meaningless word from his mouth. He felt a little bit better though after he heard Newt chuckle from the other line. 

"Sorry." Thomas whispered, a little smile on his face. 

" _It's okay._ " Newt sighed, " _So, um, about that talk..._ " 

Thomas' smile faded a little at the reminded of their unavoidable 'Talk'. He wanted to clear things out with Newt, set the limits of what they can and can't do together but, on the other hand, he wanted to just steer clear of it, just ignoring it until the last minute. It was stupid, he knows, but he just dreaded the outcome. Well, the negative one where they both just decided that maybe this wasn't such a good idea and just ignore their lingering feelings for each other. 

"Y-Yeah." Thomas replied uneasily, scratching the back of his neck, "The talk, of course." 

" _I was wondering if we could do it at our - I mean your flat?_ " Newt asked, faltering a little at the last parts of the sentence. Wait, did Newt just told him that he wanted to talk here? At his apartment? And did he just accidentally called it 'their' apartment? So many questions...

"You wanna talk here?" Thomas asked, just making sure it was what the blonde wanted.

" _Yeah,_ " Newt said easily that Thomas can almost feel him shrugging it off, " _I mean, I kinda miss the place. And, um, you._ " 

Thomas blushed so hard at that that it was getting a lot painful. Newt missed him! YES!!

"Y-Yeah! Of course! That'll be great, Newt." Thomas said, pacing the room a little, "I miss you too." 

" _Great!_ " Newt said cheerily, " _I'll see you in an hour?_ " 

"Perfect!" Thomas said in a happy tone and said their goodbyes. 

He felt a lot better at that call. Everything was a little tense at first but it got easier. Maybe this wouldn't be too bad just like how he dreaded it to be. Maybe at the end of it they would make up and decide that they are much better together. Who knows? He can't keep his hopes up though. He started to walk towards the living room and it hit him. The place was an absolute mess! How could he even invite Newt over with the place looking like trash?! My god.  

So here Thomas was, fixing his furnitures for the hundredth time to make sure that it looked good. He was on edge and everything was getting to him. He cleaned the loving room, kitchen, bathroom and, oddly enough, the bedroom. He needed to clean his apartment because the other half of it was coming back and that was a lot of pressure. He still wanted Newt to feel at home, to feel familiar, to feel comfortable. 

He was finally putting some finish on the kitchen when he heard a knock on the front door. He felt his breathing hitch and he tried pulled himself together before he strolled towards the door. On his way, he passed a mirror and glanced at himself for a little while and then like someone just slapped with with a brick, he saw himself all messed up and disgusting! Thomas freaked out and started getting out of his shirt. Why must he always be so stupid?! Of course he would be disgusting! He just cleaned this place from the inside and out!

"Tommy?" Newt called, voice muffled, "Are you in there?" 

"Hold on, Newt!" Thomas yelled back, almost tripping over on his feet on his way to his bedroom. He took a clean shirt and quickly put it on, throwing the dirty one in the laundry. He barely had anytime to fix himself when Newt knocked on the door again. 

"Hey!" Thomas said, a little breathless when he opened the door. 

"Why are you panting?" Newt asked him, an amused expression on his face. It was cute. 

"I just won a battle with my shirt. It fought fiercely." Thomas joked which Newt laughed at. Thomas' lips quiver at the sheer sound of it as he tried to stop himself from smiling like an idiot. "Come in!" 

"Thank you." Newt said, stepping inside the apartment they once shared and took a look around. 

Thomas walked behind him, keeping his hands behind his back, eager to know what Newt would say. It must be weird for the blonde to be back here again after almost a year. If it was him, he would be freaking out on the inside but Newt was calm and had a smile on his face. Maybe he was freaking out on the inside too, who knows? 

"It's just like what I remember." Newt whispered, turing around, taking in the place, "You barely changed anything." 

"Well," Thomas said, scratching his nape, "I didn't really wanna move the stuff around too much. I didn't want to-" 

"Forget us?" Newt finished for him, a teasing glint in his eyes. Thomas just stared at him in surprise, taken back by Newt's ability to still read him. 

"Y-Yeah." Thomas stuttered, "I didn't." 

Newt smiled at him and started towards the living room and sitting on the couch, picking the side of it where he usually sits. When Newt gazed at the place even more, a fond smile on his face, Thomas' brain immediately started working again and told him to fetch Newt something. He works as a waiter, damn it. Hospitality should be his second nature. 

"Want anything, Newt?" Thomas asked, skipping towards the kitchen, "Coffee, juice, water? Hell, tea?" Thomas teased Newt and he saw the blonde giving him an exasperated sigh.  Thomas chuckled as he started opening drawers and fetching some stuff out of it. 

"Way to put me in a stereotype, Tommy, but Tea would be nice." Newt replied, a soft voice piercing Thomas' ears. Thomas chuckled even loudly this time and glanced at Newt from behind him, noticing the blonde's eyes on him too. He smiled at him and Thomas felt a lot better. 

Thomas started working on the tea and jumped from one place to another in the kitchen. Then, just as he was about to be done, he felt arms circle his waist and a head nuzzled his neck. 

"I miss this." He heard Newt say. Thomas froze on his spot, the cup of tea already forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe everything will turn out okay? Who knows. XD


	9. Solution?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt looked up to him and gave him an easy smile, nodding in the process. There was something bothering the blond and Thomas wasn't sure what it was. They were having such a great moment and now it seems like the anxiety and nervousness of the pending talk was dawning down on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SO SO SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING AND THEN GIVING YOU THIS CRAP CHAPTER!!! INTERNSHIP, CLASSES AND OUR THESIS HAVE BEEN KILLING ME AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FREE TIME TO WRITE. :'(

Thomas' feet was stuck to the floor and everything was slowing down. Newt was hugging him tightly from behind, his head rested at his back, and it felt to surreal that he had to double check of this wasn't just a stupid dream his brain is making up. He slowly wrapped his hands around Newt's arms and held tightly. Wishing to the gods above that this wasn't just a silly hallucination.

"I miss you too." Thomas whispered, a ghost of a smile threatening to escape his lips. He turned around and looked at Newt, placing his hands the small of the blonde's back. "I miss you so much." 

Newt chuckled a little, facing Thomas with a smile. Thomas took in Newt's appearance. He did not even know how he survived all those months without the blond beside him. Looking at him right now, Thomas missed him a lot. Newt was - is his everything. 

They stared at each other for a little while until the whistling of the kettle disturbed them. Thomas shifted from their position when he remembered that he was suppose to give Newt his tea. 

"Still want that tea?" He asked, hearing the blonde retreat back to the living room. 

"Yeah." Newt piped up, "Tea's perfect." 

Thomas quickly fixed him that cup and went back to the living room to sit with Newt. He has a feeling that this talk will end up with them cuddling on either the couch or the bedroom and he wasn't opposed to any of the options. It wouldn't even bother him if they would lay on a pile of garbage as long as they were together. 

He placed the cup of tea on the table and sat beside the blonde, giving him and easy smile which the blonde immediately reciprocated. Newt took the tea and sipped it. "Hmm." 

"Good?" Thomas asked, feeling a little sheepish. 

"Not bad." Newt whispered, "Still needs some work though." Thomas saw the smug look on the blonde's face. 

"Cheeky bastard." Thomas said, chuckling and pushing Newt away playfully. This was what he wanted. Playfully talking with Newt, having fun and all. 

"So..." Newt whispered, when the chuckles finally calmed down. Thomas looked at Newt and then noticed the more serious look on the blonde's face. 

"Newt?" Thomas called, "Are you feeling okay?" 

Newt looked up to him and gave him an easy smile, nodding in the process. There was something bothering the blond and Thomas wasn't sure what it was. They were having such a great moment and now it seems like the anxiety and nervousness of the pending talk was dawning down on them. 

"Yeah." Newt said, fiddling with his fingers, "I'm just kind of nervous, that's all." 

"Hey." Thomas said, scooting closer to the blonde and taking his hands, "It's just me." 

"That's the problem." Newt said, whipping his head up to stare at Thomas. "It's you. It's been almost a year since I left yet you're still what I think about every day and it's bloody frustrating." 

Thomas stared back at the blonde, taken back by his confession. He would have thought that Newt wanted out of their relationship. That the blonde was finally relieved to be able to stay away from Thomas. To be free again and free from any harm. It never occurred to him that Newt would miss him, or even still love him. Thomas gave him a sad smile and scooted a lot closer, making their shoulders touch. 

"I still think about you every day too." Thomas whispered, staring back at Newt's intense gaze and his chest was hurting so bad he was so sure it was going to burst at any moment. 

This was Newt. The Newt that made him feels special and important, who supported his through everything that he wanted to do. The Newt that loved him back with the same conviction and passion and it was so goddamned special that he would never let him go if he still gets a chance. Not again. 

They stared at each other for a while, Newt's eyes sometimes darting between Thomas' eyes and his lips. To be honest, Thomas is doing it too. Kissing Newt was the best and it only made it a lot more special because he was so sure they were soulmates. 

"I can't risk your recovery, Tommy." Newt suddenly voiced, effectively making Thomas jump a little. When he was finally able to be aware of his surroundings, Newt's statement finally came through and he raised his eyebrows. Risk his recovery? What was the blonde on about? If anything, Thomas would only feel a lot more motivated to continue. 

"Wh-What are you talking about?" Thomas asked, slightly disoriented from what Newt just said. 

Newt just stared at him, a soft glow in his eyes. A passionate one mixed with a little sadness and then, all of a sudden, the small glimmer of hope inside Thomas' chest slowly faded. Was Newt doing what he thought he was doing? Was the easy banter a window for a painless end? 

"It's just that..." Newt started, but only trailed off and stared into space, thinking deeply. Thomas bit his lips in patience as he watched Newt's face switch between emotions. "I'm afraid." 

"Afraid of what, Newt?" Thomas whispered, squeezing Newt's hands so that the blonde would look at him again. 

"Remember how we got together?" Newt suddenly asked out of the blue and it kind of disoriented Thomas a little. Why was Newt asking this now? 

"Y-Yeah, but that's no-" Thomas started but only to be interrupted by Newt. 

"I was so in love with you, Tommy." Newt said, tears starting to collect in his eyes. "And because of that, it fucked up your relationship with you parents." Thomas stared at Newt for what felt like the millionth time. Newt blamed himself for that? Now, thinking about it, it never really occurred to him that this was how Newt felt all this time.

"And it was because of me that got you started drinking." Newt whispered, shoulders shaking. "If I never pushed you to drink that night, all of this wouldn't have happened." 

Thomas felt his heart starting to hurt when he looked at Newt, whose face is now red and his cheeks were wet with all the tears leaving his eyes. Newt blamed himself for everything that happened to him? Oh, God, Newt blamed himself for everything that happened to him! 

It was true that Thomas never drunk a day in his life until that night where he met Newt but he never blamed or thought about blaming Newt for his drinking problem. Thomas never thought of that and it was far from the truth. He descended into hell because of what he had done to himself! Not because of Newt. To be honest, he would have probably killed himself if it wasn't for Newt. Newt was the light of his life. Even Brenda wasn't even a single spark. Newt was different. He was in love with him. This wasn't Newt's fault. 

"I need to go." Newt whispered so suddenly that it snapped Thomas' attention back to the present. Newt's face was laced with so much hurt and regret that it made Thomas a lot more guilty for not seeing all of this before. Newt stood up and wiped his cheeks, before bounding to the door. 

"Newt," Thomas called, ready to tell Newt that this was all just a misunderstanding and that what he was saying was all in his head. 

"Just think about it, Thomas." Newt said, a small but sad smile playing on his face. 

Thomas. Newt called him Thomas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'((((((((


	10. Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sorry," He lamely said, eyes still on the ground, "Just been thinking lately." 
> 
> "Wanna drink it away?" Minho suggested, a playful tone laced in his voice. Thomas sent him a glare and Minho put his hands up, "Sorry, bad joke." 
> 
> "It was, shank." Thomas replied, scoffing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, God. It's been so long and I apologize!!! College has been such a stress and I did not really have the time to write this. :(  
> Also, sorry for making this so short. I just really wanted to update it as soon as our break started.

It's been 3 days since he last saw Newt and it was getting difficult day by day and he really tried texting Newt but he always backed out. How did he not stop Newt from leaving? All that Newt insinuated were all in his head and Thomas wanted to tell Newt that but, still, he doesn't know what came over him because some kind of force held him down. Maybe it was because he still felt kind of guilty for making Newt feel that way? Made Newt feel like shit and blamed himself for all of the bad things that happened in Thomas' life?

"Are you seriously just going to lie there?" Minho's voice echoes through his head, bouncing off of every corner. Thomas groaned and remembered where he was. He sat up and rubbed his head, throbbing in a little pain as he watched Minho appear from the kitchen, a glass of water in hand. "Seriously, you've been cut-off since back at the restaurant." Minho continued, sitting beside him cautiously, like Thomas was a precious bird and Minho had to be calm so that he won't run away.

"Sorry," He lamely said, eyes still on the ground, "Just been thinking lately."

"Wanna drink it away?" Minho suggested, a playful tone laced in his voice. Thomas sent him a glare and Minho put his hands up, "Sorry, bad joke."

"It was, shank." Thomas replied, scoffing.

After the Newt dilemma, Alby did not even talk to him yesterday during their meeting. He kept looking at him like Thomas killed someone and Alby was truly disgusted by him. It was awful. Thomas tried to explain but Alby refused to listen. Did not even acknowledge him.

Thomas knew, or assumed based on what he saw, that Ben was a good guy. Who treated Newt well and somehow, hopefully, better than Thomas for the last few months of their relationship, so he knew where Alby was coming from. If it was him, a black-eye would have been the resolve and not just ignoring and death glares. Thomas felt bad but Newt was the one that decided to end it with Ben right? Did he mention the reason for breaking up with him? Maybe that's how Alby knew. _God, this is a mess._

"How are you?" Minho suddenly asked out of the blue and it disoriented Thomas a little bit. He turned to look at the guy who was looking at him with genuine care.

"Barely alive." Thomas said with a sigh, sinking into the couch more, wanting it to swallow him. "My love-life is messing me up."

"Then why bother making it work?" Thomas suddenly sprang up, looking at Minho like he just grew a new head. Bother making it work? He is bothering because it was his fault in the first place. If he hadn't resolved to alcohol as a form of release from stress then he would still be sitting at hime with Newt, watching a romantic movie, kissing lazily and smiling like idiots. Idiots in love.

"Because I want to." Thomas said in a short version, "He's my soulmate." Thomas added hesitantly. Not because of lack of belief but because he wasn't sure if it was too tacky. Hell, he did not even know how Minho would react from that.

Minho just scoffed and patted his back, making Thomas relax a little bit. "Then I wish you luck, dude. But recovery first, yeah?"

"Of course," Thomas answered, silently appreciating Minho for not making fun of him. They settled into a comfortable silence and Minho decided to turn the tv on and Thomas was thankful for that. The whole afternoon was spent watching tv and then sleeping on the couch.

\----

Opening his door to his apartment, Thomas felt so tired even though he basically slept all afternoon. It was like fatigue was taking over and he needed to just lie down and have a time for himself. Maybe that's what he really needs. Time for himself.

"You look like you just got out if a storm." Thomas shrieked from the unexpected voice from behind him and it made him turn in such a force that was alien, even for him. How did he miss someone approaching him? After figuring his surroundings, he was met with an amused stare from a tall and blonde guy.

"B-Ben?" Thomas whispered, feeling a little nauseated from this surprise, "Wh-What are you doing here?"

Why did he sound so scared? Ben was a good egg, right? He wouldn't have brought some friends with him to beat him to a pulp, right? To be fair, though, he did not really know Ben too well and his assumptions may or may not he wrong. Either way, he knows it's about Newt and he suspects Ben is here to tell him to back off.

"Don't look at me like that." Ben mused, shoving his hands inside his pocket. Watching Ben closely, he already knew why Newt liked him. Ben was handsome, disgustingly handsome. "I'm just here to talk. Nothing else."

"Okay." Thomas said, a little proud that his voice didn't shake that time.

"Look, I know that your relationship with Newt is very deep but I don't know at to what extent." Ben started, starting to fidget, "But I do know that he's still crazy about you."

Thomas can't help but notice how Ben's expression suddenly morphed into a sad one and he felt a tinge of guilt from it. Ben really did care about Newt and Thomas hated that maybe, just maybe, he too Newt's chance of being with a very great guy. Even better than himself.

"Ben," Thomas started but only to be stopped when Ben raised his hand.

"Just promise me one thing." Ben said, still not looking at Thomas directly. "Take care of him this time. If you don't and I hear that he's alone again, I will not be this considerate. I will fight for him. You hear me?"

Thomas' ears were ringing and he can't help but be both scared and relieved. Ben was giving Thomas the opportunity to be with Newt again and do this right but, now, Thomas knows he can't fuck up. Not now, not ever. Thomas nodded when Ben raised his head to stare at him blankly. The blonde smiled at him and said his goodbye before walking out towards the elevator. Thomas stared at him as he walked away, feeling very light-headed. Thomas sighed in relief when Ben was finally out of sight and leaned on the door.

'What a mess.' Thomas thought to himself, feeling a lot more stressed than usual.

Minutes later, he got inside his apartment and just dropped in the couch.

\---

"Are you feeling okay right now?" Ava asked him, like he was a poor puppy ready to be kicked.

"Yeah." Thomas nodded, "I'm okay."

Thomas woke up this morning with a slight headache and it really did not help that Teresa decided to visit him and make sure he went to the clinic safely. Now, here he was, trying to talk to his therapist with slight discomfort.

"So, going back to your story," Ava said, scribbling down her pad again, "You said you haven't even thought about drinking despite the stress?"

"Yeah." Thomas nodded again, this time actually a lot more invested in the conversation. He was making great strides in his recovery and it felt amazing. "I mean the urge is still there but, lately, it's not been so strong. Maybe because I finally have the support that I lacked before."

Ava nodded and smiled up at him. "That's very great, Thomas. I'm very glad you are taking this seriously." Thomas grinned at her and saw that she really was happy that he was making progress.

"Now," Ava whispered, putting her pen down and folding her arms on the table. "Let's talk about options."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I should continue this or not....

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, guys! I guess I'm back with another series? I still have second thoughts about this but I wanted to share this one with you because it has been sitting on my files for a very long time! Let me know if you want me to continue this or not! Any suggestion would be welcome! 
> 
> :)))


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